The Problem with the 12-Week Rule
If a tree falls in the forest but no one hears it, does it make a sound? We’ve all heard that question before. How about this one: if a woman has a miscarriage, but no one knows about it, did the baby really ever exist? OK, first of all, of course the baby existed. Obviously. But it is highly possible no one knew about this baby, other than the mother (and sometimes the father). There is this unspoken “12-week rule” that somehow everyone seems inherently aware of. The majority of the time, once we get past the 12-week point of a pregnancy, society considers women golden for the remainder of the pregnancy and that has been deemed the time when it is appropriate and encouraged to share that one is expecting. Bring forth the barrage of cutesy social media announcements, etc. Oh boy (or girl) …
Unfortunately, that 12-week “all clear” assertion is not always accurate. I’ve had more than one friend get close to the very end of a pregnancy, only to lose the baby to a tragic circumstance. I can’t even imagine how terrible that must have been to endure. I can imagine the 12-week rule is hurtful to anyone who has experienced that type of pain as well, because it was not smooth sailing for them, despite them being told it would be.
It’s truly a frustrating “rule”. If you struggle with the concept of this like me, it can feel like a Victorian era-type rule designed to keep all things messy and unpretty out of the spotlight. Now is a good time to give you a short glimpse into the memory card of my experience with this.
I vividly remember spans of time when I would hide my pregnancies, along with the seemingly inevitable barrage of physical symptoms I was experiencing at the time. I know everyone’s experience with that varies. I was utterly and numbingly exhausted all the time, everything hurt and was sore, and ridiculously nauseous – just to name a few examples of things. Morning sickness for me was instead a nearly all-day every-day ordeal, and it was not pleasant. Added to that, my hormones were ping-ponging all over the place in a crazy pattern I could never predict. That took my migraines to next level unbearable for a few years. I don’t know how I ended up lucky enough to make it through while keeping my life fairly intact, at least at appearance-level. But that I did.
So no, it was not a fun time for me. The first couple times around I honestly didn’t mind any of it because I thought there was a purpose to it all (yay, I’m getting a baby!) but after I got through the first few, it began to feel like a cruel game I knew I might be playing for no good reason but just couldn’t stop trying. I felt like I had lost control of my body and then at times I even felt like I was losing my mind. It was miserable.
I felt so sad and alone because I felt like no one understood what I was going through, because how could they. And I had a terribly unhealthy habit of glossing over things, that old “everything is fine” bit. No, everything was not fine. Looking back now, I’m not sure why it was so important to me to make it seem like it was. I definitely had no naïve notion or rose-colored glasses on. I honestly think I just wasn’t ready to accept failure. I wasn’t ready to break down my walls and be vulnerable. No, back then I would prefer to go great lengths to avoid any sign of weakness at all costs. It was super difficult for me but eventually in time I learned that being transparent and real with our struggles is not a sign of weakness but rather, it is a sign of strength. Even better, we can use those dents in our façade of perfection to help others. Therefore, here I am world, flawed and imperfect – but happy that you’ll still have me.
Now to circle back into what this 12-week rule can do to us as women (and also to our men). Once a loss happens, since no one knew about it many times we may feel like we can’t tell anyone because they won’t understand. If they didn’t share in our excitement, how can we expect them to share in our pain? Then it feels like we’re being a complete downer, and no one wants to be that person to suck the fun out of a situation.
You know how what always gets said: If you want people to want you around, then don’t be a “Debbie downer”. But I challenge a re-think of this concept. Yes, people who are continually negative are tough to be around. But a true downer is someone who is always complaining and unhappy about one thing after another. It is those who bring people down on a regular, on-going basis. It should never be labeled onto someone who is going through something traumatic. When the bottom falls out in life, that is NOT being a downer. That is being real and giving homage to what we have lost.
Most often, if we subscribe to the 12-week rule, then we get forced into pretending it didn’t happen and we go on with our days and our lives, at least as far as the outside world can tell. But internally, we’re left dealing with a barrage of emotional, mental, and physical scars. Alone we stand on the battlefield, fighting a bloody war no one even knew about but us.
To which I ask, why is this even still a thing? To be clear, if you are someone who makes your own decision to keep silent, that is well within your rights and you’ll get no judgement from me. What I’m suggesting is the normative “rule” needs to be overturned and each woman should decide for herself how, when, and to whom she would like to tell she is expecting. Many of us would be better off to not have been expected to remain strong and suffer in silence.
To me (and to so many others), the rule feels like some type of code for “it never really existed”. How do we mourn something that didn’t exist? But mourn we must, if we are going to move past our trauma. Pushing down the pain and covering up the scars may work for a while, but it won’t forever. Eventually it’ll surface, the concealer will fail, and the issues will demand to be dealt with.
Jane Wagner said, “What you try to bury just ends up burying you.” That paints a bleak picture, but it’s the honest, messy truth. If we deal with it, we can move on. When we move on, we still won’t forget because (sadly? luckily?) we can never forget. But we can understand it and be ok. This I promise you. Dealing with it allows us to control the narrative and to write our own story, versus being controlled and consumed by the emotions of unresolved issues.
This is a hard fact of life that can be applied to everything, not just miscarriages and/or grief of loss. Any issues must be dealt with, sooner or later. Doing it sooner means voluntarily and in a more controllable fashion. Waiting until later means doing it involuntarily by force and in a more uncontrollable fashion. As a person who feels more comfortable when I’m in control of a situation, I’m urging you to deal with issues as they arise, whenever that is reasonably possible. This might sound dramatic, but sometimes your life and health literally depend upon it.
Therefore, let’s abolish that antiquated, ill-fitted 12-week rule. So, you want to tell people about your pregnancy as soon as you find out? Awesome! Or, you want to wait and not tell people until after a time period you are comfortable with has passed? That’s great! I and no one else will ever have a right to tell anyone what to do. The decision is one for you to make individually, and on a case-by-case basis. I believe it is time to put the power to decide when to share about a pregnancy into the hands of the very ones bringing those magical little lives into our world.
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Cheers until next time,
Crystal
