Why the Name “Mis”-Carriage is Misleading
The term miscarriage feels like an indictment on women. At first thought, that may sound harsh, but I urge you to step back and look at this word objectively. In American and British English, “mis” is not a good thing. It suggests something done wrong or badly. That concept is stinging. Therefore, the name miscarriage can make a woman feel like this is somehow her fault, that she did a bad job carrying her baby and perhaps that is why she lost her baby. I’m here to tell you (and myself) with a resounding shout that deserves all caps: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It took a long time for me to realize this about myself, but as women, it is not on us that we lost our babies. It’s not on the men either. This is no one’s fault. Many times, the reason can’t be explained. I know that from experience, because I never did receive a diagnosis or reason behind why it kept happening. On all accounts medically, I was in excellent condition and nothing was physically causing this. Therefore, it unfortunately became “one of those things” that I had to learn to deal with and couldn’t explain. Which as you may imagine, is incredibly infuriating. Nothing could be done about my situation, so I had to learn to just deal with it, so that I would not get dealt by it.
Society at large doesn’t necessarily help with the blame game either. Typically, it is certainly not intentional, but instead comes from a place that is well-meaning but misguided. See, now that was a proper use of “mis” in that last sentence. Anyone who has experience in this arena likely has heard far too many hurtful, and even ridiculous comments. Speaking from experience, these comments hurt. Words can pack a punch.
I am providing some examples of things I’ve been told, but I want to preface this by saying that if you or anyone you know has said variants of these comments to anyone, please do not feel called out by this. Honestly, I think we all have said things to others we shouldn’t have. I know I certainly have. So, my reason for mentioning these is to raise awareness to help remind us all to be cognizant of how the things we say could be perceived.
Here is a small sampling of various comments I was told by a lot of different well-meaning people (but that hurt):
Guess it wasn’t meant to be.
You can always try again.
At least it was early.
There must have been something wrong with the baby.
Natural selection at work.
Baby wasn’t strong enough.
Lots of people have miscarriages, it’s no big deal.
Don’t worry, you’ll get a rainbow baby.
It’ll work out for you next time.
Just try to be more patient.
God has a reason for everything. Trust in His timing.
You must have sinned; I’ll pray for you.
You better go to church more.
You must not have prayed enough during the pregnancy.
Deep down, maybe you didn’t want a baby.
You work too much.
Your run and workout too hard.
You don’t have time to be a mom anyway.
Maybe this is a sign you have more growing up to do first.
You were way too skinny in college, maybe that’s why.
Do you think it’s because you’re too stressed? Try to calm down.
Well, you need to get more sleep.
Just think positively.
It’s ok because you guys are young and can try again.
Maybe you guys waited too long to start trying.
Things can always be worse.
And for the grand finale…
Well at least you know you can get pregnant.
If you think I’m joking, I am not. Each of these comments I have heard, and some of these, multiple times from different people. As I mentioned earlier, I know these phrases are most often said by very well-meaning people so there are no hard feelings. I honestly have no doubt the majority of these comments were not made in malice, but instead were born of ignorance. We all have ignorance and biases in ourselves about certain matters in life, myself included. This is because as humans, we just can’t know what we don’t know.
Part of the issue is simply because people don’t understand how it feels. This makes them feel uncomfortable and they feel obligated to say something, but they don’t know what. Educating people about matters they are uninformed about and having real conversations about these types of things in order to make positive steps of change in the right direction are some ways we all can help to improve these types of situations in our society. This is applicable to all types of situations (racial, caste, socioeconomic, mental health, physical illness and so on), so these issues span far past just miscarriages.
Honestly, sometimes it’s simply best to not say anything at all. Words are not always required, I promise. Hugs go a long way. Speaking from experience, the best reactions I received from people when this happened were a simple hug, a few tears, or a “This totally sucks. I’m here, you’re not alone in this.”
THANK YOU for the on-going support I received from my mom and tribe of “ride-or-die” besties during that time in my life. As women, we are strong (because we have to be), and we can tackle anything. However, we can fight this battle so much better if we all stand at the front lines together.
Let me into
your heart
and I’ll rush in,
to the thick of
the ware you have
created
within yourself,
I will strike
and stand before you
and turn your arrows
into flowers.
~ Susana Zatarain
It’s important to let people in. I was really bad at that for the first few… I didn’t want anyone to know. My self-imposed perfectionist tendencies I fight hard against (those self-imposed tendencies which manifested themselves down deep since childhood) left me horrified and feeling that I had failed, so I didn’t want anyone to know. It was my secret and guilt-filled shame, but it was far too heavy of a load for my slight shoulders to bear alone. While it’s not necessary for us to broadcast our pain to the Nethersphere, it is crucial we at minimum let a couple people in to help keep us on (or get us to) the right track toward recovery. When I started letting people in, dealing with my miscarriages didn’t get easier necessarily, but it did suddenly become possible as something that could then be manageable. And that small shift in itself is what began to make all the difference.
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Cheers until next time,
Crystal
