Life After Grief
Congratulations! We made it through the five steps to the other side of grief; finally to that place where life goes on. Now it’s smooth sailing, sunshine and lilies, and happy ever after – right? Right?! Sorry… I am overall an optimist, but I’m also realistic. No rose-colored glasses for me. Life is much “too much” for any of that silliness. Honestly, the path forward should get better on the day-to-day and long-term basis regarding this journey, which is great news. But there will still be hidden potholes on that road, sprinkled along the way. Such is the plight of life. The thing to focus on right now is that you made it. Give yourself a pat on the back and treat yourself, because you deserve it.
If you’re like me, you’ll find that coping with the loss(es) get easier with time. The wounds never fully heal, but the sting is significantly lessened. What used to previously feel overwhelming and perhaps even wreck an entire day may now only take a few deep breaths and hurt for a minute or two. That’s definitely good news.
Now for the bad news. Those figurative potholes I mention can be thought of as triggers. It will be extremely important that you become aware of your triggers, whatever they may be. Mine are fairly cliché: pregnancy announcements, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween, Easter Sunday, first day of school… that type of thing. What I’ve found helpful (especially at the beginning) is to stay off social media for a few days around those times. Most of the time they don’t bug me anymore (at least, not much), but every so often I’ll hit a big bump and be set back for a few minutes.
In addition, if you are a church-goer, you may consider avoiding it on key days that might upset you. I know this may make me sound weak, but I’m all about transparency. I won’t go to church on Mother’s Day. It seems like every time the pastor always asks all the mothers in the crowd to stand up and get prayed for and at that point, I’ll risk invariably losing my cool by sobbing embarrassingly. That happened to me once, early on in my journey, and I still remember it. I definitely had some moments of self-pity at that point and I can’t stand feeling sorry for myself or feeling weak. Maybe that will change and someday I can take on going to church on Mother’s Day, but for now, I know my limits and I’m just not yet ready. You’ll figure out what’s right for you, but for me, I found that simply avoiding certain triggers is healthy.
After surviving miscarriage(s) and the grief that follows, the next step is to focus on healing yourself and those around you. Find back those special qualities that make “you”, because you are more than enough, with or without children. Once you heal yourself, the next step is to focus on healing the relationships with your loved ones. This type of traumatic experience likely will affect your relationships with those around you in many different ways. But it doesn’t have to destroy them. In some cases, it can strengthen them, if handled properly. Even those which temporarily may bend in the heights of the storm do not always break. Sometimes they emerge stronger and better than ever.
Moving forward is a good thing. We don’t need to remain trapped in our past hurts. As Mary VanHaute said, “You will survive and you will find purpose in the chaos. Moving on doesn’t mean letting go.” By continuing to find happiness in the day-to-day moments which follow, we can begin to rebuild what was bent as we each find our unique purposes. Life will be filled with more ups and downs than we can count or imagine. But that’s ok.
Upon the winding road forward, I set my gaze.
Tis true, I have no inkling of its coming days.
So, boldly walk on I must, for this is my life’s fate.
As we’ll each someday realize that it’s never too late.
Perhaps life is made up of a mixture of timing, a divine hand, our own decisions, and random chaos. As I’ve said before, I have no answers for you. But I’m going to keep on living my perfectly imperfect life, as best I can. No matter how dark it seems, the light is on its way. Never give up.
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Cheers until next time,
Crystal
