Part 1. OK, “it” happened.
So, that happened. You had a miscarriage. Or two, or three, or fifteen. No matter how many or how few, it is a devastation that no one can truly understand until they experience it first-hand. I can still remember when I was blissfully unaware in my 20’s, assuming that when I want kids, I’ll have kids. After all, teenagers get pregnant on prom night in the back of their Mercedes all the time, so it must be a snap, right? I couldn’t have been more wrong. That error in thinking caused me a whole lot of heartache and after-effects to deal with for the long-term. If it happened to me it could happen to you or to someone you know. I’m no medical professional and I have no expert training or knowledge. But I did live through it and I promise to always be real with you. Your experiences will likely vary greatly from mine because everyone’s path through this is different. My simple wish is to help anyone I can and create a positive ripple effect for others.
A big purpose behind me writing this is to help prepare you (or your relative, or your friend) to deal with it in a healthy, proactive manner. Therefore, I honestly hope you never have to understand what it is like to live through this, because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Research suggests that 10-20% of known pregnancies will end in miscarriage, so it’s fairly common. However common it may be, that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Because far too many of us are members of this silent club of loss and sadness, and it needs to be openly talked about.
So much time and energy is spent teaching young girls to be terrified of becoming pregnant before being ready. Yes, it is crucially important everyone understands the consequences in order to make an educated decision. However, teaching fear should not occur. It simply isn’t useful for any of us. We’ve all heard the “you’ll ruin your life” speech more than once. Religion can make a pretty big play into this space too. To be fair, some members of our society get it right and teach our young women how to make responsible, well-thought-out decisions about getting/not getting pregnant. But sadly, there are still far too many leading with scare tactics and silencing.
Perhaps even worse, minimal (or no) time is spent preparing our young women for the possible reality that they may be unable to become pregnant or carry a baby to term when they are ready. I literally heard nothing about that before I first experienced it. And it wasn’t a topic mentioned in the Child Development course in school. I am not suggesting this is the fault of the parents or teachers who came before us, because they were as ill-equipped to address this topic as those who came before them. The culture of silence surrounding this experience has been perpetuated on for far too long. This is why I’m suggesting now is the time for the culture of this to change.
Why isn’t this more of a focus area? It needs to be. As I mentioned, I wish it had been when I was young, because I was hit with a rude awakening, and I know that I’m not alone. Being prepared would not have lessened the sting of having a miscarriage, but it can help a woman understand what she is dealing with before it happens, so if it does occur, she is not blindsided. Being prepared for a situation is always helpful. Not talking about it is not productive and is causing an onslaught of issues that far too many are unprepared to deal with. Early pregnancy loss can cause severe emotional trauma which can potentially lead to issues such as depression and anxiety, as just a couple of examples. It also typically leads to higher levels of fear and anxiety during each subsequent pregnancy. That I can remember vividly.
Having a toolbox full of knowledge and healthy coping mechanisms could be the difference between getting through it and getting stuck in an endless, looping nightmare. I had to build (cobble) together my toolbox as I went along and it was truly a process of trial and lots of errors, but eventually it worked. I hope to help equip you and/or your family member, friend, and/or co-worker dealing with this to get through each of your own situations.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, and no one should have to experience it. But sadly, many of us will, so it is important to face this head on, with courage and realism. There will be some dark days ahead, my friends, and you will wish it hadn’t happened to you. I wish it hadn’t happened to me, or to you, or to anyone. But that wish isn’t within my control to decide.
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,’ said Frodo. ‘So do I,’ said Gandalf, ‘and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” -Frodo Baggins and Gandalf, The Fellowship of the Ring.
If miscarriage is a card you drew in this hand of life, I’m so sorry. And hugs! Yes, it sucks. That is a fact that will never change. But you can handle it. At times you won’t think you can (heck, at times – I still don’t know how I did it), like when we are in those moments where we are desperately clinging onto the last shred of strength and can feel the final thread fraying within our fingertips. I know that sounds dramatic, but I’m not even exaggerating. Literally fraying.
No matter what, you need to keep holding on, because you can do it. I know you can because I did, and I’m just a normal person, same as you. Nothing special here. What happened is not within any of us to control. All we can decide is how we are going to react to it, pick up the pieces of us that we have left, and move forward with the rest of our lives. Together we can be strong and comforting voices to cut through all the silence and mystery surrounding this devastating, life-altering experience. It’s time to stand up and be heard.
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Cheers until next time,
Crystal
