Why All the Whispers?
Miscarriage. It’s one of those subjects that people don’t want to talk about. It’s depressing, uncomfortable, and misunderstood. But it is REAL and it is HAPPENING. The word miscarriage packs a gut-punch, figuratively and literally. It causes a grief of loss from a death, but it is different than other types of losses and it is extremely misunderstood.
Added to this is the silence surrounding the word. In society, it is mostly still considered a taboo subject, which leaves anyone who experiences it feeling isolated and alone. Webster’s dictionary defines taboo as “banned on grounds of morality or taste”, or “something that is not acceptable to say, mention, or do.” [Imagine the sound of a screeching record here.] Excuse me. What!? It is certainly none of those things.
All this silence is dangerous because it makes the events and aftermath of these events exponentially more difficult to adequately process. Even after extensive testing, there is a decent percentage of the time that medical professionals are unable to pinpoint the reason(s) causing this, so when no one is talking about it, that makes it even more difficult to deal with. Trust me, that frustration I know from experience. A lack of information about what should be expected during and after a miscarriage can lead to long-term scarring.
Typically, when we think of a taboo subject, we think generally of something immoral, wrong, or bad. This subject is none of those things, rather it is heartbreak and undeserved pain. It then is no surprise that having even one miscarriage makes many women feel inadequate or that they did something “wrong”. As nurse practitioner Wendy Moulsdale said, “We need to break down the walls of silence and talk about this. If it’s going to affect 20 to 25 percent of women around us, we need to make sure their needs are met and that they are not felt to be alone and struggling with what can be deemed an invisible loss.” Friends, I’m telling you, your pain and grief are real, and while you can’t see it in the visible sense, that doesn’t minimize its effects.
The following is an easy mantra you might try to repeat anytime you feel like your grief is being minimized:
It hurts so badly because this baby mattered so much.
I’m so sad because I loved this baby so deeply.
But I will be more than ok with time, because I matter.
I know that is simplistic and some are skeptical about this type of thing. Truthfully, I can often be extremely skeptical about this type of thing (it just depends on my mood). But the cool thing about being human and how we are each wired so uniquely is that different things work for different people. Saying things such as that mantra out loud can have excellent results for certain people. Full disclosure, it’s not so much my thing for the positive verbalizing. One of my battles has always been negative self-speak that sometimes rages out of control within my own mind. It’s one of my “fatal flaws” I have had to learn tools to effectively deal with. Therefore, for me sometimes its best to just chill.
Instead, I write self-affirming reminders on post-it notes and put them around where I can see them regularly (in a special notebook, where I put my makeup on, my home office – that type of thing). Visually seeing it and reading the words typically helps me get out of a slump when I’m in a pinch. In time, you’ll discover what works for you, and that is what you should do – whatever works, FOR YOU. Not me, not your sister, not your besties, not your neighbor, not the celebrities you see on the TV and internet. Whatever works FOR YOU. There are no right or wrong answers.
According to the World Health Organization, the stigma surrounding miscarriages (yes, even still today) takes an enormous toll on women that can take years to recover from. A few common themes the WHO cite being experienced by these women include:
Shame
Self-blame
Guilt
It is reasonable to hypothesize that the silence and taboo nature surrounding an open discussion of this topic further pushes women to the brink of experiencing those three emotions. But always remember the following three things:
1) There is NO shame in having a miscarriage.
2) It was NOT your fault.
3) You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
Me saying these things to you doesn’t change anything that happened, but I want you to know these things are all true, in case no one has told you this before. I’m no different than you or anyone else, but I whole-heartedly know that those three statements are the truth. Therefore, repeat those three things to yourself as many times as it takes until it really begins to sink in. For me, it took a few years to finally sink it. But once it did, I truly felt incredibly FREE!
The taboo of discussing miscarriage is alive and unwell in today’s society. Yes, we’ve reached a new decade of the 2020’s and somehow we’re still dealing with this. It is time for that to change. Women should not be expected to deal with this pain silently, all while we continue to smile and nod our ways throughout life. This concept is ridiculous and it is dangerous to a woman’s health. The mental, physical, and emotional effects are astounding. So many amazing women before us have been fighting the good fight, busting through the glass ceiling, and bringing more seats to the table for us all. And there are also many great men who have stood alongside us and supported our cause as best as they could. But the work is far from complete. Truthfully, I believe we’re just getting started. Together we can break the taboo of miscarriage, so we can truly begin to heal and deal with this. Who is with me?
Questions, comments, or just need to chat? Send me a direct message via LinkedIn, Facebook, or Instagram.
Cheers until next time,
Crystal
