Stage 1. Denial.
For the next five weeks, I will be going over the five stages of grief, one stage per week. Much of the content in these sections can be expanded to apply to any type of grief, not just that from miscarriages. This week I’ll be discussing my experience with denial.
I can vividly remember my initial thought when I first found out I was miscarrying. “No, this isn’t real.” Enter stage left: Phase 1 - Denial. Here are a few examples of thoughts that may cross your mind during this stage:
That would never happen to me.
This can’t happen because I’m a good person.
This wouldn’t happen because I took such good care of myself.
No, because I did everything right.
God wouldn’t allow this to happen.
But this wasn’t in my plan though.
I must be mistaking the situation.
This isn’t really happening.
Oh, it’s no big deal.
I’m fine.
And many more…
For me, the “this isn’t real” felt a lot like a situation in the movie Divergent when Tris was stuck in the glass tank filling with water. Her terror increasing, she suddenly realizes she was in a simulation and what she was experiencing was not real. This allowed her to break through the glass and move to her next phase. Unfortunately, that’s a movie, not real life. And miscarriages are the real deal. Unlike Tris, I needed to acknowledge that what I was dealing with was, in fact, very real.
A very different reaction when in denial is what we call the “I’m fine” effect. I’m reminded of that famous Friends episode when Ross utters the phrase over and over while holding a margarita and hosting a double date dinner night with his then-current girlfriend (Charlie) and his ex-girlfriend (Rachel) and one of his best friends (Joey). The issue here is Rachel is now dating Joey. Ross insists he is over Rachel, but everyone except him can see he is in denial of his feelings, therefore the “I’m fine” bit doesn’t fool anyone. Trust me, saying that we are fine does not mean that we are actually fine. I know this can be true because I used to do this during my miscarriages. No, I was not fine. Once I figured out how much healthier it is to acknowledge when we are not ok, it made it easier for me to move forward.
That concept of moving forward is essential. We are unable to progress to the next stage without it. Otherwise, we become stuck in an endless loop of denial, a record continuing to furiously spin on, even after the last songs have been played. As Irving Berlin said, “The song is ended but the melody lingers on.” I think this relates to denial. It is over (it in this situation being the pregnancy), but that doesn’t mean we are willing to give up quite yet. We have this lost dream of what could have been but never will be. Oh, how bittersweet…
As humans, we often initially cling to denial as a self-preservation tactic. That is why denial is not a bad thing, provided we don’t get stuck in it. I actually think that denial serves as an important holding ground where we may wait until we are strong enough to proceed to the next stage. The trick is knowing how long it is appropriate to remain in this stage. Move on too early and the shock to our system might be blowing. Stay too long and risk never moving on. So, as I’ve previously alluded to, the trick is not getting stuck in the denial stage. Instead, this stage is intended to protect us until we are ready to face our situation head-on, once we are strong enough to continue in the grief process journey.
There are many ways to deal with denial. Some coping mechanisms are not so healthy, such as excessive drinking, over-sleeping, staying so busy that there is no time to think about anything else, and so on. A common theme here is over-compensating. None of these things are necessarily harmful when they are in balance, but used in an extreme fashion they wreak havoc. This is why none of these are recommended as healing tactics.
A need to numb the pain is fairly common for humans. We do it all the time for physical pain, such as at the dentist when getting a filling or getting a procedure done at the hospital. When in the right situations, it is useful. However, numbing emotional pain is an entirely other matter. With emotional pain, we sometimes seek methods to numb that as well, especially when life becomes just a bit too much to handle. We need an escape and we think this is the answer – but it never is. Although trying to numb our emotional pain may mask it for a while, it will always be there lurking under the surface, ready to violently reappear at any moment. It’s easier said than done, but we owe it to ourselves to avoid intentionally pushing ourselves into the land of emotional numbness.
It is important to recognize that at times emotional numbness is beyond our control. For example, depression is known to cause this as well. If it is an affliction you or someone you know suffer from, know that it’s not your fault. Numbness can come from an inability to process or acknowledge emotions. A trusted counselor can be instrumental in helping to reconnect and deal with these emotions in a healthy manner.
The good news is there are methods to handle denial that are healthy. Here are four tactics:
Don’t pretend like everything is ok when it’s not.
Open up to a few trusted people and let them share in your grief with you.
Honor what you lost, but take stock of what remains so you can focus on that.
Find a way to honor your loss so you can begin to work on getting some closure.
It is important to remember that the denial stage is perfectly normal and an important part of progress. Essentially, it is this stage that kicks off the entire grieving and healing process. It only becomes an issue if we get stuck, otherwise it helps us confront our grief at a healthier speed. As Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said, “Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way to letting in only as much as we can handle.” Once we are adequately prepared, we can move on to the next stages of grief.
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Cheers until next time,
Crystal
