Stage 2. Anger.
Once I got past the denial stage, I was mad about my circumstance. Enter Stage 2: Anger. This is a tricky stage because anger gets a bad rap, even though it’s not always a bad thing. There are certain situations which should make us justifiably angry, such as the many injustices in our world. In those circumstances, anger can serve the important purpose of driving necessary change forward. But that is not the type of anger I am referring to within this discussion.
Nor am I referring to the anger that comes from flying off the handle about whatever. Some people are naturally angrier than others. That quick to anger bitterness that follows around some people is completely different from the type that comes in connection to grief. Anger from grief can often appear mysteriously sudden and seemingly out of the blue.
Those who know me well know that it’s rare for me to get mad. Very rare, in fact. Most often, I’ll directly address a situation by using discussion to work through it, which is my form of “fight”. Other times when I’m feeling weak, my “flight” reaction is to run away from the situation. So in my case, the “fight” reaction is probably better.
Of course, I have flown off the handle a time or two, as we all have. But most often the peacemaker in any tense situation. I don’t like conflict because I feel pain when others feel pain. I just want everyone to be happy. This most likely stems from my need for everyone to feel included, safe, and like they belong. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s always been my thing. The #1 result I received on my Clifton Strength’s Assessment is Includer. I was surprised at that until I thought about my life and my personality when I’m most feeling like myself, and suddenly it made sense and I was able to understand myself a bit better. I’d recommend you take that StrengthsFinder Assessment sometime, as it might help you learn a little more about yourself.
The anger from miscarriages is different. It feels simultaneously unfair, heartbreaking, frustrating, infuriating, and hopeless… all rolled up into one. Does that sound complex? Because it most certainly is. The “what if’s” and the “why me” can feel like way too much at times.
Here are five examples of some thoughts that may cross your mind at this stage:
I didn’t deserve this.
Why me!?
What’s going on??? – cue the song What’s Up (by Four Non-Blonds).
But this person did (insert whatever) I didn’t, so why is this happening to me?
THIS IS B.S. (only I didn’t say fudge… oh – I mean, B.S…) – fans of A Christmas Story will get that reference.
There are so many more thoughts you’ll experience than this. But it gives you a good idea for what this stage entails. When I was in this stage, I would say I was more in the despair side of anger. I felt all alone yet I simultaneously often also wanted to be left alone. Why was this? I don’t know, for me, I felt like the slightest thing might set me off and upset me for the remainder of the day. So, I invoked my flight response instead of my more typical fight (aka my “let’s talk through it”) response.
An important caveat is that this stage is also needed in order to keep moving forward in the grief process. Because being angry is a signal that we’ve accepted the reality of our situation, even though we’re not ok with it. In the long-term, suppressing emotions causes way more damage than letting them out does.
Luckily, there are many different things you can do to help alleviate anger. I’ll provide some strategies that worked for me, in case they work for you:
Hot yoga: if you can’t stand the heat, try regular yoga.
Singing along to all kinds of songs: the louder and more dramatic you can be, the better it works.
Write it down: whatever you are thinking, feeling, etc. The art of simply getting it down on paper can be therapeutic.
Go for a run: or your favorite form of exercise. Endorphins are helpful little chemicals in the fight to counteract anger, anxiety, depression, and a whole host of other issues. Any exercise will do, but I mention running because it’s always been my go-to for a mental health and mood boost. Perhaps deep down my love of running is also tied to my “flight” reaction.
Binge-watch your favorite shows/movies: it really can go a long way. One of my go-to comforting shows is One Tree Hill.
Sip on a cup of chamomile tea: it can help you to relax and soothe rattled nerves.
Remember, everyone gets angry at times. It’s a perfectly normal human emotion. Like everything else, the important thing is balance. Anger can even be healthy in that it provides a release of that pent-up emotion that I mentioned earlier.
The problem arises when anger crosses the line into bitterness, because that buries itself down deep in us and it poisons us from within. Although both concepts sound somewhat similar and are sometimes even used interchangeably, anger and bitterness are not the same thing. They cause very different effects as well. When we embrace and acknowledge our moments of anger, we free ourselves to move forward to the next stage of grief. However, if we become bitter, it is far too easy to become trapped, unable to move forward. And that is not a healthy place for anyone to remain for long. Therefore, embrace the anger but resist the bitterness.
There’s this unknown quote that I always like to think of when I feel angry in this life that goes, “I sat with my anger long enough, until she told me her real name was grief.” It would comfort me because it would take the pressure off. It’s ok to be mad. Certain things that happen to us in life really suck and we are not ok with them. That’s totally OK. But the good news is we don’t have to be mad forever. Once we’re ready to face the next stage in our journey through grief, that anger will fade away, just as mysteriously as it appeared. Trust me, I know.
Questions, comments, or just need to chat? Send me a direct message via LinkedIn, Facebook, or Instagram.
Cheers until next time,
Crystal
